16 ~ Peace ~

Screwdrivers penetrating

Knives stabbing

Through the left side

Of my chest and back.

EXCRUCIATING

CRUSHING

PIERCING

I could not breathe

I could not move an inch

I could not move an arm out to reach for my phone

I could not whisper let alone scream for help

I was helpless I layed over 5 minutes that seemed like 15…

Waiting…

Praying…

Thinking…

Life flashed by, like lightning blurring my vision…

All I could think was…

“This is the END” ⌛

Though, each time it attacked.. Miraculously! It never was the end


[ FEW WEEKS LATER ]

February 2017

I step into the first drs room yet again. Explained everything.. ECG (Electrocardiogram) done as per routine follow ups.

Past ones since October 2016 had shown palpitations but he always pushed it aside as anxiety. Trying to reason that I do NOT suffer from anxiety was probably speaking to him in a foreign language!

Anxiety? Mental sickness? You “assume” it is?

Proved very well wrong from a psychologists point of view!!

Chest X-ray performed showed clear. Nothing wrong!

(Simultaneously, the barium swallow scan showed clear as well. Both were done together)

Now he’s convinced “it is in my mind”

Remember I was also extremely dehydrated this time due to a Gastroparesis flare up.. While sitting in the room waiting for the drip to end & awaiting drs final “verdict” lol

A lady walks in.

“You are Khadeeja?”

She inquires.

“Yes, I am”

“Ok can you come to my room please?Dr has asked me to chat with you a bit”

Me confused but agreeing: “Yes sure”

Entering her room, we sit down.

“I am *so & so* psychologist. I practice in the same hospital as dr. He called me up & gave a summary of the issues you are experiencing, requesting my opinion of your condition”

*Opens her book*

“As you see in this book of mine’s.. Your page is the longest compared to the many patients I have.. You have lots going on! In order to review you I’m going to be asking lots of questions. Please be comfortable, open & honest etc. Shall we continue?”

*Me*: “Yes by all means!”

*Thinking in my brain*: Woohoo!!! This is going to be a pretty exciting conversation. Let’s see what conclusion is deduced from here. Today it will be proved whether I am psycho, have any form of mental illness or a conversion disorder.

Psychologist: “Your age? Studies? Family relationships? Aspirations? Why haven’t you considered a relationship with someone thus far? Future intentions? What do your parents say regarding you?”

And a host of other questions. We had a lengthy chat & in the end she was stunned & stumped!

Humbly elaborating her final conclusion only for those who sum up their own false conclusions:

The complete truth, there are no words of my own added in this report (I have a recording of it as well lol):

“I must say that I’m astounded with your answers to my questions. I haven’t seen someone so ill with this much complications, yet vibrant, bubbly & happy.

You’re not sad, you’re not depressed, the only part that shatters you is when people misunderstand & drs are unwilling to provide help in figuring the missing pieces”
*Looking with bigger eyes*

“It actually concerns me that you’re not sad about living a sick life! You’re sitting here at peace with everything that’s happening. Calm. Composed

*Me*: “I trust in the one who is control of my life & does everything for my 100% benefit even though I may not comprehend why life takes certain twists & outward dead ends”

Psychologist:

“Your symptoms appeared to be of one who is disturbed. But after cross questioning.. from my point of view – I confirm YOU ARE CLEAR.

Your symptoms are not brought on due to any kind of mental disturbance, stress or pressure.

You’ve lived according to your own personal choices, many aspirations were granted, you were not deprived of anything…..

There is nothing for me to assist with here. You do not need further psychiatric evaluation nor counselling for the symptoms you’re experiencing as I think you are dealing with everything quite well.

I will give dr my report saying he should dig deeper to see what is the cause of these symptoms. He needs to find out what’s wrong, my duty is done”

This could not have infuriated dr more. Seeing that he’s expertise could not surpass further text book knowledge. At the same time, a trusted, experienced psychologist cleared me. Now what??

Of course my food has to go down. Of course i will be afraid for a feeding tube so automatically the food will go down. Of course there’s no reason to experience chest pains if 1 EKG & chest x-ray is clear. *Scarcasm intended*

Though, I was really glad to recieve proof of my illness being “pure” in its nature.. As Dr Ameen stated.

Being contented & happy with a decree which has come to pass is a divine blessing.

Many able bodied people think I’m feeling well hearing me say: “Praises to God I’m fine” – when asked how are you doing?

What it really means:

All symptoms continue, the same cycle different each day.

I choose to look beyond the conditions I’m afflicted with. Focusing on the blessings which outweigh the magnitude of my illnesses. This fills me with gratitude.

I am happy, not because life is perfect but because there is good in everything life holds.


[ MARCH 2017 ]

Some drs do not like to hear or do not believe in the screening of an Esteck full body scan. From personal experiences my view differs completely!

Also I’ve been to a few medical personell who conduct these scans but each one is not the same.

After this last appointment with Dr number 1 & the 2 failed drs in between.

I held myself together for quite a while..

After days of chest pain lingering on a scale of 5-6 continuously. I became afraid not knowing what’s the actual problem.

One night late 🌉

The flood gates opened

I wept & prayed until I could pray no more, *falling asleep in the process*

Beseeching for help..

Asking only for answers

Forget about a cure / solution.

This may sound weird, sometimes we are relieved to hear that a test is clear or normal. However, other times we wish it can just show something to provide peace of mind as to whats happening. Then move on to focusing – healing & treating.

Being undiagnosed is far more worse than knowing whats happening. Many are with me on this. It’s a mantra that repeats itself in our brain: “If this test is clear, then what??? I’m psycho again?!”

Each individual is different. Some prefer being unaware because knowing the problem then plays on their mind, causing anxiety.

THE POWER OF PRAYERS

Next morning dad recieved a call from a helpful, kind hearted friend who is a pharmacist practising conventional & alternative medication. He practices with one of these scans from the USA.
“Chest pains are not something to play around with & ignore. Something needs to be done. How can someone imagine it in their mind?”

If you allow me, I will come over to your home & do 1 on her. We can take things forward from there”

Immediately i knew this is the answer to my prayer 😀

Despite being sickly himself, living with 1 kidney only.. He drove 1 hour away with his family, took his time doing everything, no rush. Scan done.

While explaining the results patiently..

I was taken aback, amazed!

Literally gaping 😮😮

Speechless!

The scan showed everything exactly! Spot on! 100%! To everything I felt!

It was the most comprehensive test conducted.

I jumped for joy to see PROOF of my symptoms even though the results received were not something to be cheerful about.

Keep in mind it does not provide a diagnosis by name. It points towards each organ stating whether their is an issue with it or not.

If there is, it will indicate what type of issue, the severity (mild, moderate, low, high risk etc), & further tests that need to be done to confirm an accurate diagnosis.

In my case: Everything is occuring due to a dysfunctional autonomic nervous system. The autonomic dysfunction is NOT a result of depression or other mental disorders.

From all organs affected, my heart is the worst. The following have been picked up:

🔺An increasing risk of a problem with the carotid & coronary arteries requiring continuous observation.

🔺Heart muscle is weakening.

🔺It’s ability of pumping & contracting is affected.

🔺Vascular resistance (blood flow is more / less than it should be)

🔺Blood pressure is low for my body type.

🔺It could be life threatening, he explained. This was the first time I realised the manner in which Dysautonomia symptoms range from mild – fatal.

🔺Do not waste time in consulting with a cardiologist. An echocardiogram needs to be conducted ASAP, he advised.


After a long time spent in enquiry, we were referred to an elderly cardiologist – 64 years of age. He & dad were 1 year apart in school.

Scheduled an appointment….

Then the day finally dawned 🌄

To hear his opinion???


5 Comments Add yours

  1. Binte Ashraf Ali says:

    Subhan’Allah..
    Reading your blog has really opened my eyes..
    We are the same age, our birthdays 2 days apart… Reading about ur journey and how u still remain happy and patient has made me realize how ungrateful I am, May Allaah forgive me..

    You are in my Du’aas 💕
    You are an amazing person, may the Almighty grant you Aafiyah ❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. WOW?! A birthday sister or friend 😉😊😊 lol.
      Jzk Khair for following, reading & taking out the time to comment. It means a lot to me!!! I appreciate it greatly.

      No, no I also have so much of faults. May the Almighty forgive me too. I pray he allows me to pass this test & the different tests each person deals with through these journey’s.

      Jzk Khair for the prayers! May the Almighty reward ur kindness abundantly 💖

      Liked by 1 person

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