38 ~ A knife to my own life ~


*Dr rheumatologist* walks in & closes the door behind her…

Immediately I knew what was to follow by her manner of entering! By then I became experienced & well versed in the topics of anxiety, “it’s in your mind” & conversion disorders.

Dr: I’m Dr so & so from rheumatology. *Lowers head then ruffles her hair saying* : See these grey & white hairs?

It indicates experience so don’t think I can be fooled. That cough is bad, but a “normal one.”

“Nothing serious”

Me thinking: Wow! Such many years of experience that you cannot differentiate between a cough originating from a normal flu & another from breathlessness.

Dr: Tell me the truth! Are you stressed? (And a list of the same questions I’d already been through with the psychologist in February as mentioned in chapter 20)
Labeled “interrogation time” by me ๐Ÿ˜‚

Me thinking: Oh!! There we go again! You’re playing psychology role now or intending to bring a psychologist in here…

Dr: Do you realise you’re the youngest patient with a ton load of complications we’ve never dealt with previously?

Your symptoms don’t fit & are puzzling.

Me thinking sarcastically: Well, Who cannot be more aware of what’s occuring in their body better than a patient him / herself ?

After allowing her to speak. Turn of the game switched over – I gave a full run down of life prior to 2016. All that occured thereafter, making her fully aware of the psychology report.
Speechless. She walks out stating her job is done. Leaving the review conducted in February 2017 ringing in my brain…. (Discussed previously)

“It concerns me that you’re not sad about living a sick life?? Instead, you’re happy & at peace with everything happening…”

Whereas this facet actually travels far beyond!

Each persons beliefs, perspectives & opinions on life differ.

For me ~ It is NOT a point of being happy to be sick. Rather, it is faith & trust! Whatever my Lord decides – that is the best condition for me. Be it good health or illness.

It is being content with the plan of a divine being who destines mankinds affairs through his unparalleled wisdom.


“In whichever condition He keeps me, it is the best condition for me.

Through whichever route He takes me, it is the easiest route for me.

For me there is no injustice in any of His actions

Outwardly though it may be a calamity, It is in fact a blessing in a disguised form

That calamity in which there is goodness for us, not really a punishment.

This conviction saved me from denial & anger directed at these afflictions.”

It allowed me to let go & gain closure to the past of a normal life accepting the jaggardy lane to an arduous one.

Reassured! Life with chronic illnesses are no easy, smooth, joyous walk in the path. I do not consider myself strong.

Man are weak in nature but a strong mindset is also fundamental!

The rocks strewn will be moved because strength is gained from a mightier power.
It is necessary to also believe that you’re capable. Silence the voice which attempts to restrain potential, unreasonably saying you cannot.

This is ruled within bodily limits!!

Be intuned to its whispers.

*** Nevertheless, it’s important to bare in mind: Having a psychologist to help deal with chronic illnesses is a great coping mechanism & a must in lots of cases.

No need to shame a person in this regard!! Again each individual’s personality differs!

[ 4 HOURS LATER – 11:30 AM ]

*Dr pulmonologist* walks in with 3 papers.

Saying I should call a family member to pick me up & come back after 2 days for a CT chest scan. File signed for me to be discharged on codeine.

Me: “Dr I won’t take it! There’s no benefit, only drowsiness. Don’t need to tour the world more than I already do ๐Ÿ˜….”

Dr jokingly tells the nurses: “See this madam, she tells us what to do ๐Ÿ˜‚”

Hands over the papers with a reassuring shoulder squeeze saying “you’ll be fine”, greets & walks away.

Usually i ask questions to clarify uncertainty – famous for being a questionnaire ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

But this was sudden & totally unexpected. Staring wonder struck at the papers in my hand…

Wha.a.a.a.a.t? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?


How am I supposed to understand these abbreviated terms?

Unethical to provide no explanations.

This Dr made my stay pleasant. Frustrated with those above him who ordered the discharge without any prescription / sort of arrangement for oxygen KNOWING I was admitted due to having difficulty breathing & collapsed the third night without o2.

Confused. Upset. In tears due to the lack of understanding.

Called home ๐Ÿ“ž๐Ÿ“ฑ After feeling bad. It’s been a rough week on my family, now more bad news.. No option though.
Rent away.

“This is ridiculous. When you can’t breathe at home we’ll have to rush you back again? What kind of logic is this?”

Family members echoed one voice.

Of course I’d do anything to go home but my lungs needed to be taken into first priority here. We couldn’t self prescribe oxygen obviously.

Phone calls flew…

A while later – change of plans.

2 Drs were unaware of the cyanosis episode. How? Miscommunication I guess.

Orders then came: Keep her until the Ct-scan is over & results are seen.

*Relief washed over but disappointment sunk in feeling skeptical of the direction in which my case was heading* Yet again.

What a day hasn’t this been?

I thought to myself finally relaxing back after a tiring morning of fighting for breathing. Fighting for survival. Fighting for life.

Headphones on ๐ŸŽง listening to soothing poetry. Block out the pain.

Fall asleep.


Awake to a gentle shake & soft voice.

Cannot recall who came on which dates exactly.. but I do remember every afternoon anticipated, brought loads of happiness during visiting hours.

A huge thank you to everyone who brought yumm foods, drinks & snacks that digests according to Gastroparesis.

Examples: A divine slippery slidy dessert with no “body” & less sugar.
A flask of 40 winks lavender tea to assist in having a well rested sleep ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

A chapter at the end of hospital memoirs will be dedicated to all those who provided endless support highlighting the various ways because lots of people become uncomfortable, unsure what to say or how to help us.

This particular day, I had a hair wash whilst laying in the hospital bed which was the most funniest experience but a memorable too.

Someone pouring water in my eyes, another rubbing my head too hard with shampoo. And a third one pouring HOT water ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Each trying to help.

From 1 hair washing experience – done with care & affection it made that tiresome morning experiences lighter and the future days, easier to cope.


Nurses hustling bustling in & out. Lights off.


Sleeping now!!

Hey wait! I forgot to inquire regarding those diagnoses written on the discharge papers?

First do that. Sleep can wait a little longer. Curious to know.

Onto my medical personnel information resources….

Type, type, fast…

“Please explain what do these results mean?????”

From that night ๐ŸŒƒ

Piece by piece, a portion of the mysterious puzzzle began fitting together……………………

Had I not searched for advice from experienced people & made myself aware of the effects involving this condition I would have placed the knife to my own life unknowingly & unintentionally.

Almost did…..

Termed “normal” – in reality the result of a major problem.

Be aware of the different cough types which stem from particular diseases other than an ordinary flu:

– COPD. Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

– PPH. Primary Pulmonary Hypertension.

– Cystic Fibrosis

Among the list is ๐Ÿ’™ failure.

Mines began dry & hacky upon exertion. Walking short distances would bring on an episode. Stares would be seen everywhere i went.

No flu. No phlegm. Nothing. Worsened rapidly over a short period. Became productive (hemoptysis). Uncontrollable until I gasp for air.

o2 & water retention medications manage it to a certain extent.

Information below was sent on an elderly cardiac support group where the same issues are dealt with ๐Ÿ‘‡

Link to the entire article itself ๐Ÿ‘‡


Life is truly a precious gift which can be destroyed by “dying” in the past

Or living in the present with the chance of reinventing a new version of living

Despite our bodies failing..

9 thoughts on “38 ~ A knife to my own life ~

  1. Jazakillaah for the very informative post… It was worth the wait๐Ÿ˜‰

    You always teaching me new things.May Allah Ta’ala continue to increase both our knowledge… Aameen๐ŸŒธ

    Have a beautiful Friday๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol there was lots of fog & errors involved while typing….couldn’t make sense after reading through some of it so wondered if it made sense to the readers ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ™ˆ

      Aameen – that’s an important prayer ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ’™๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒผ
      Jazakillah for the comment ๐Ÿ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Made perfect sense to me๐Ÿ˜‰

        Aameen๐Ÿ’™ its a great pleasure commenting here๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’


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