41 ~ A grand appearance ~

[ TWO MONTHS LATER ]

My nephew (whom I referred to in chapter 6) was due to go in for an operation. A day prior to the operation, I felt a little worried..
Knowing stress is not good & famous for flares, I decided to take a homeopathic calming medicine which is fairly mild in nature & does not have any side effects.

Taken it over a dozen of times after falling ill, nothing happened until Heart Failure decided to make a grand appearance… ๐Ÿ˜‚

Little did I know! A knife would be placed to my throat & what occured after 30 minutes of taking 2 dosages could have possibly ended it altogether…

Destiny had not inscribed a termination to my presence on earth.

Instead this incident occurred to serve a greater lesson:

Immediately after the second dosage – my blood pressure dropped continously lower, heart rate faster, breathing alarmingly shallowed, body became numb & trembled, I could not hold myself up, the world spinned around in circling motions

And I felt as if though I was going to sink a second time

“into waves of blackness....”

Whats wrong with you? Hey! Speak! Can you hear me????

Mom shrieked in a panic stricken state as she realised what was happening & acted hastily by giving me something to reverse the effects of that “calming” medicine which we now term “the deathly medicine“.

Cannot recall what she gave, because the next few hours were spent in a total blur & daze…

Once recovered to full senses…

“Phew!! What just occurred???”

And the truth struck like lightning

I cannot take calming medication because my heart is too weak to manage its effects!!!!!!

Oh. My. Word. It makes perfect sense!

That was soooo close…..

How was I supposed to know or smell danger when not being warned in the first place?

Registered homeopathic meds sometimes don’t work instantly & strongly opposed to most conventional meds. I “Thought” I was on the safe side.

It’s like taking a hammer & knocking it few times on the wall expecting nothing to happen besides paint scraped off.

Worst will be slight dents.

Contrary, the wall falls apart / collapses.

But “thought” taught me to be extra cautious when taking or doing “things” considered generally light.

Please ask always. Don’t “just assume” it’ll be safe.

If the Drs in hospital didn’t understand properly, how would they make me understand?

Even if a condition is recognised & understood, sometimes an important point can slip the mind. Be careful.

Additional missing pieces to the puzzle were then fitted when those who understood my cardiac condition stated the following:
“No climbing flights of stairs, even if you try we won’t allow it”

“You cannot undergo general anesthesia”

Proof!!

Cannot doubt the truth of that utterance because if a calming medicine almost costed my life…

What would anesthesia do?

Dig a hole for my grave & bury me in it…?

“It might come to a transplant stage because after stage 3 those are the next resorted options. But in a case of Cardiovascular Autonomic Neuropathy, a successful transplant seems highly unlikely”

“The sounds of your blood pumping out are weak & faint, I could hardly hear proper sounds

“Weak pulses detected with a reduction of urination – Not a good sign!”

“It comes out weakly, slowly, stops. Then it continues.. Then it pauses.. The rhythm is very uneven a Dr explained whilst drawing a pattern to show an abnormal tracing”

“You need to take it easy. No trying to act like a normal person. Do treatment, pray with full hope your health improves then you can jump up & down & get excited.”


By nature I’m a person who hates being kept in the dark. I want to know everything revolving my condition no matter what the news!

Bad or sad I prefer being told the clear cut truth straight as it is with no ambiguity. Initial shock is natural but then learning to move ahead, reset priorities & focus on the present. It does not consume my mind or cause a permanent sinking.

So here we are treading in deep waters..

I was shattered

Petrified..

Scared..

Bewildered..

Visuals of my enlarged cardiac silhouette repeatedly played itself before my eyes 3 nights in continouity after being given the various pieces of news..

Tears glistened down my cheeks..
I struggled to adjust & settle into this “new complete upright sleeping posture”. Every attempt of lowering it slightly would make me cough & gasp for air.

How will I manage sleeping every night? Exhausted. Cannot think further than my eyes see, yet a rested sleep is hard to obtain..

What would this mean for my future ahead?

What would the prognosis of Heart Failure be?

Has my life span been shortened suddenly & unexpectedly?

A matter of months or few years remaining in store for me?

Will I die next after momma?
Were the questions of uncertainty which stridently raced through my mind…

Those were arduous, shocking, painful moments & days for family & friends..

Mom & dad bare testimony that my determined attitude towards life with these conditions makes everything very easy for them..
“We gain more courage from her spirits.”
“Who should be giving who?” They tease ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ™ˆ

Had I given up or mourned forever & thrown life away – that would have been the hardest for them to deal with.

Again, being able to turn darkness into light is a divine blessing not an achievement attained only & solely by myself, it is with my lords mercy & a structured support basis.

Support means the WORLD.

The importance of support is often understimated. Many are left to fend for themselves because family & friends become fed up when realising we don’t simply get better.

Instead, most of the time our conditions progress.. As it progresses we’re more in need of a non judgemental supportive team.

I see this often happening to others: Usually in the beginning, people help. After a while they’re just tired of hearing that you sick & never getting well or back to normal.

Sometimes insulting comments & speech is hurled too ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Its greatly saddening to witness such scenarios.

We can be ill & remain a fortified pillar of support to our families at the same time, BUT it’s important to also bare in mind:

There are times where the supporter is in need of support, the stronger one is in need of strength, the lover is in need of love, the backbone who holds everything together is in need of a backer herself or himself.

There are times when experiences dismantle us & our own pillars tumble to the ground….

And it is, during those times where we depend on family & friends reassuring support to help us stand & build those pieces back up, even higher!

Having people “preach” infuriates us.

Give hope in a gentle manner. It’s not about the words or speech which has an effect, rather the tone..

The simplest gestures of kindness fills a soul with light

Lightens the weight of a distressful plight

And grants the chronically ill, extra strength to fight

Truly, you may not always hear tons of gratitude being expressed for acts of kindness but it remains firmly embedded in our hearts & prayers are poured forth that the person is compensated with a beautiful reward in return.

An act like a glass of water brought to the bed during a flare up, a kind word, prayer or thought – are gestures which never fail in assisting us through this journey.

This is not said for personal benefit. Only to make the general public more aware when living & dealing with chronically ill people.

My heart sincerely goes out to every one who has been abandoned with very few or no one to stick by their side.


The date, day & time these words were uttered:

“Stage 4 requires a transplant but you’re appearing fit for it earlier because your condition not only involves 1 aspect….”

I shared the news with a friend from abroad who sympathized & encouraged me to cry out every raw emotion felt right then..

A whirlwind of emotions crashing…

“I am shocked that your neuropathy has progressed so quickly. Knowing how you attained it….does not surprise me…it actually saddens me๐Ÿ˜ญ

I am very sorry Kay. If I could be there to support you while you discuss this with your family, I would be.
The body is very complicated and a lot of things can go wrong.

In some cases, like yours its so complicated that limited things are available. Heart failure is usually a long term progressive issue that takes years to develop into something bad.

However, some cases like yours is an acute progression. This news angers and saddens me at the same time. I do not know what is in store for you in the coming days but I promise positive thoughts, prayers & well wishes will be done on a daily basis.

This news absolutely sucks!!! I am honored that you informed me so quickly…now that you did…i hope you don’t feel alone. now the hard part is forthcoming… be strong…explain..allow the tears to flow and then focus on the next steps to getting well.”

I will pray and continue to hope a miracle happens. so saddened๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ.”

These words were needed & could not have been more apt??!

It felt surreal…

Then I sobbed for most of that day & a part of the next as the realisation hit hard!!
Knowing this broken phase will go soon.

Speaking, crying, repeat…. done!
Thereafter, I felt lighter, I felt calmer, I felt steady & ready to adapt.. I felt focused.. Fixated..
To gain a firmer sail, strap a stronger life jacket & were the sail to fall over, I’d face the future with everything that would be tossed my way.

Told myself:

After escaping a near death episode with the first partial heart attack, being given a second chance at life; I would NOT allow myself to “die before my death”.

Rather, gather all these shattered pieces & create a new future for myself out of every bit whichever way possible. Come what may! Avenues will be sought to live a different, new fruitful life & make each day a chapter worth looking back at.

If plants are an open witness to growing & standing back up after being buried & stamped upon, how can I not be?

A new journey then began…..

These diseases will not define me negatively.

I am a person..

There’s so much more to this body other than an external appearance & inward riddling diseases…
You are a person. We are people.

What defines you is a thought provoking question..?

And what defines me despite some embarassing & oddly “peculiar abilities”……?

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Binti Mahmood says:

    ุณุจุญุงู† ุงู„ู„ู‡
    Your positivity is so inspiring Masha Allah๐Ÿ‘Œโœ”

    I’m sure its not easy being so positive but my Du’aa for you is that Allah Ta’ala must grant you the strength to always stay positive and to spread your positivity wherever you go….Aameen Thummah Aameen๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’

    Jazakillaah for always educating and making us aware of these important things which we take for granted….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aameen to all your prayers ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ’™

      Yes that’s true. It’s a daily effort involved…
      When life is rough it teaches you to become tough ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜ & hard against the odds.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hawabibi says:

    Aslm
    I have been reading your blog but havenโ€™t replied…maaf for that just donโ€™t have the right words to string together.
    I am amazed at your positivity and pray that the Almighty grants you and your loved ones the strength and courage.
    For me you have loads of courage and positivity and this will carry you through.
    You are constantly in our thoughts and prayers .

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wslm.. no, no worries to ask for maaf at all!!
      Jazakillah Khair for taking out time to read.. means a lot.
      For the comment thoughts & prayers as well….
      Aameen to all of them.

      Much appreciated always ๐Ÿ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s