81 ~ Excavation of a golden mine ~

For those who’ve missed out the previous posts of my first hospital memoir admission 2017, attached here are all the links. It might be difficult to comprehend what actually transpired if you haven’t read the previous posts leading to this one.

Below is the last day related, finally!!! Lol.

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2018/01/31/29-giggles-in-an-er/

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2018/02/04/30-a-frenzied-search-for-air/

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2018/02/05/31-resurfacing-back-to-light/

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2018/03/08/38-a-knife-to-my-own-life/

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2018/03/21/40-a-tenacious-raging-war/

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2018/03/30/42-swirling-clouds/

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2018/04/16/46-a-festival-in-hospital/

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2018/04/30/50-a-salient-element/


I don’t have a habit of reliving past occurrences so I had to dig very deep to type this post & keep it fresh..

< 5AM – A WEDNESDAY MORNING >

A gentle but tired looking Dr walks in..

Attempting to awaken me whilst rubbing my feet she says:

“Hey sweetie

How are you doing?

I’m going down now to see the results of the CT scan & then we shall decide what is to be done accordingly..”

Nodding my head, i thank her.

Feeling the least bit refreshed. I snuggle deeper into the warmth of the blankets then get out slowly to pray.

Laying back in bed, awaiting, awaiting & wondering what would THE verdict be.

I doze off to sleep eventually…


< 11AM >

Awoken by the same Dr.

Dr: The result of your CT is “clear”

My mind: ???????????????????????

Dr: So I’ve discussed with Dr’s so & so.. we’ve agreed to discharge you with augmentin – for a (UTI) urinary tract infection. Then you have a follow up on the 17/07/2017 at the pulmonary clinic & 27/07/2017 at the neurology clinic.

Everything else is fine.

(Not putting any blame on her because she fulfilled the commandments as instructed. So yeah, nice to hear that right? For all the symptoms I have *sarcasm intended*)

Handing me 3 discharge summary sheets stapled together, heels smoothly stepping around, she’s out in a wiff.

Not given a chance to query any questions or even few minutes for me to process the information mentioned.

Staring blankly at the papers..

I read 1 point stating:

“Hemoptysis resolved.”

If angered eyes had the power of effecting an entity, those papers would’ve surely burnt within a few minutes.

“Not once did I mention the hemoptysis has stopped, so who told them to write it is resolved without authentication from me?”

Unable to make sense of jumbled emotions as my mind raced at a speed further than my legs would ever be able to.. I let out a sigh, then called dad to pick me up.

“We’d have to arrange our own oxygen somehow since they’re sending me off callously”

I sounded the dillema briefly in a casual tone..

Trying to drill sense in some of their heads here, would be talking to the deaf.

Those who defiantly chose deafness to push away the helpless.

Tantamount to the blows they strike at you, pierce back harder. Don’t give in. Don’t think your life is less worthier than their actions speak. Don’t worry about what they say!! I convinced myself.

So much easier said than done,

Albeit, a time is to come!

When unjust dismissals will dawdle. .

Whilst I accepted this happened solely for my betterment, I felt a sense of betrayal seeing the under priveledged who came in more dire predicaments?

Patients & caregivers who are unable to afford private medical assistance?

Whilst I have a steeled supportive system to fall back on, where do they turn???

A first of 2 sun sets

When on a day 3 months later, the lady at the desk looked at my EKG copy that proved a lateral infarction, abnormal tachycardia, pvc’s – premature ventricular contractions & more..

Stating “it’s normal” & signed me away from receiving public healthcare service, implying, I am anxious,

Little did she know, her signature signed a detour meant to work out well in my favor.


< A SHORT WHILE LATER >

Dr *so & so* walks in with another in tow…

“I heard you are being discharged. Show me the papers…”

Glancing through, adamant on making me mental, he abrasively says:

See they didn’t find anything much. Maybe you were just hyperventilating. Try to read these verses…. & inhale in *such & such* manner to calm yourself when you feel like that”.

My blood began boiling..

My eyes widenly blazed

And fumes exhaled.

I glare at him whilst he browses through the papers.

The other dr awkwardly walks away, as the tension in the air forms a tight knot.

My mind rattled all sorts of verbal abuse, unasserting clarity on the matter because it would simply be wasted.

I had to contain that fury when all I really wanted to do was screech at him for gazing at me in an inhumane manner. A brainless senseless women unable to think straight for herself.

Like I’ve mentioned repeatedly, there is absolutely no issue with a medic admitting he / she doesn’t know why or whats wrong – due to limited knowledge. But when their ego turns into fiascos…

It takes a lot to swallow the rage.

Dont stare at me as if I’m weirdly insane

Watch the consequences of your reign

Bound to catch up when the days rotate.

A noteworthy point:

The Dr who pointed out the pulmonary embolism diagnosis in May 2018, stated:

With due respect to all fellow members & professionals, truth be told, we have a major problem within our fraternity. Majority are not willing to admit their lack of information or expertise. Unduely it becomes a fault of the patient & I don’t know why is it so difficult to say “I don’t know”.

I do know why,

Pride.


Packing away the last few of my belongings, I go to the nurses desk to bid them farewell.

One says:

“Please pronounce your name again”

Chuckling, I inquire why? Is it that difficult to pronounce?

“No”, came the next astounding reply.

“My wife is pregnant. When she gives birth, if it’s a girl I’d like her to have the same name as yours because it’s so beautiful. Then she can also resemble your lively personality & lovely smile.”

Wooohooo! My mind cheered. You’re a master at this. Give yourself a few pats on the back. At least your art of seeming okay earned you a genuine, heart warming compliment. (LOL)

Smiles concealing the weariness in my eyes

And frustration extended so wide

By the Drs who made me want to blow my fuse that would be of no use.

Smiles masking many sighs

Binding muffles behind.


Ward mates bade me farewell..

Then I achingly departed..

Casualty ward 209..

May the beds upon which I slept & wept become a testimonial to our battle for care revival.


As we entered the car park then drove out, after 10 days… My eyes instantly blinked readjusting to the casting rays of sun, warming the outer but failing to touch my insides sculpted hollow & bitterly frozen.

Requiring a lengthy period, to be alleviated.

It wasn’t the the last bite of this vicious shark. As if he was purposely set to contradict every piece of evidence..

Whilst relieved to go back home, my mind drove faster than the car..

How could the CT have been clear?

Until I shoved the questions aside

Why’s? ran countless miles

Tumbling sighs upon sighs
Not many things could provide

Closure to treatment denied

Besides,
Excavation of a golden mine

To yield peace of mind

Entry with 1 word inscribed

 

Resign.


A special set of mom & dad’s friends who are like my own parents helped us arrange an oxygen concentrator machine. Picked up on the way to home, sweet home.

Yayyyy 👏

Ecstasy shared with its occupants,

I let out the steam suppressed, then eagerly headed to the bathroom for a heavenly shower!!!!!

(Hospital sufficed on wipe me downs & a hair wash with a little bucket & jug related previously)

Thereafter, layed down for a snooze. Awakening many times in between to prop up the cushions higher, until jolted upright with a breathless coughing fit..

Everyone rushed into the room as my lungs produced….

Stupid morons, my voice rasped into a hoarse whisper as i looked at the tissue..

What is this?? If the pink tinged fluid & hemoptysis is resolved?

Artificially colored tomato sauce?!

Family members shook heads with a look of forlorn…

Early evening, a twin sister gifted me this card knowing the entire ordeal I’d returned from..

Closing the gaps & wrapping me with warmth of which my heart felt bereft…

At no better time with the most encouraging, relevant message stuck on the inside of my cupboard door serving a daily reminder.

With a happy smile I fell asleep. My thoughts conjuring into a bundle of incoherent dreams..

Tomorrow would be tackled as it unravels

On various heaving levels…


****
Wrap up note to follow.. This was quite a difficult post to structure.

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