< CURRENT UPDATE >
In a chapter titled The cup of love 1 month ago, I mentioned:
One organ assigned for subsistence plummeting downhill
Its reliant, bosom companion retaining & targeting a kill
None besides you witnesses my body on this level of being ill:
〰️ Becoming slower
〰️ Feeling more exhausted due to cardiac muscle strength decreasing
〰️ Requiring more sleep
〰️ Awakening during the night more often than normal due to excess fluid billowing upwards, becoming stuck in the throat, not having a place to go, thus blocking air from entering through, having to cough / spit it out (- clear fluid, brown, hemoptysis), then recline back to sleep.
〰️ Unable to sleep on my left side as the fluid sort of overpowers the heart which then constricts & triggers angina. It then beats more irregular.
〰️ Unable to sit completely upright too long due to the weight in my lungs.
〰️ Becoming dependant on bipap longer hours. After last Sundays episode, unable to be off longer than 2 noncontinuous hours.
〰️ Above symptoms worsening with the passing of days..
[ 18 AUGUST 2018 ]
Awoke to a bright warm sunny day..
I attempted the risk of going out to purchase a few essentials for about 2 hours +-. In the wheelchair of course.
A risk because my lungs aren’t capable of affording me air with “the normal oxygen concentrator or portable machine”.
Before the 2 hours were over, my breathing rate increased & the pressure within my chest overtook. Rushed back. Put the bipap vent on immediately, thinking it will settle & I’ll be okay.
Body: Hahaha, I liked that joke too.
Meanwhile, a few visitors came, I was excited to see who it was & participate in the convo ignoring my hearts protests & bellows; your limits of whisper talking is being exceeded ⚠️⚠️⚠️
Until angina penetrated first
I relaxed back trying to regain a bit of normalcy..
In a rapid split second everything catapulted
My brother walked in to sit for a few minutes whilst mom was in the bathroom.
Bro: What’s those loud sounds? The machine?
Me: At this stage, hazy, breathing deepening.
Bro *realizing*: Its you breathing so hard with the machine.
Ayh what’s happening?
You want something?
Hey you feeling dizzy??
Unable to talk
My heart fluttered
Breathing became heavier & heavier
Suddenly… Everything around narrowed & blurred..
I squinted trying to look at him clearly
Heart shook from side to side, it trembled instead of pumping
Limb by limb succumbed to numbness
From the chest, alarmingly advanced up the chin, face, left arm, right arm, left leg, right leg
My body lost control & plunged into the depths of an unknown creepy place
A place under icy cold waters, I hadn’t been before
Ghostly numbness intensified, then my hands & feet curled, temporarily paralyzed inwards, with a dead feeling!
I could hear panic-stricken voices
But I could not move
I could not respond
I could not open my eyes
I could not feel my body
I tried to move fingers & wriggle my toes but they were totally stuck.
Unable to budge.
Blood flow ceased & my organs were shutting down, 1 by 1…
“Where’s the pulse oximiter”
“Check blood pressure”
“Turn her side wards”
“Her tongue shouldn’t roll back”
“Call a Dr quickly, it’s a stroke”
“Her mouth can’t open”
“She can’t swallow”
Vivid & vague commands muffled in the background
Someone trying to move me
Raising my legs high upwards…
Until over an hour later
A responsive confirmation sound managed to release
Gradually one at a time an eye lid fluttered open,
It felt as if the vein was actually pulling & holding the left eye stiffly closed.
I was disoriented & confused.
It took a lengthy period to come fully by, for my limbs to feel the blood resuming its flow through..
Esophagus was paralyzed, when I swallowed saliva it would not move. I was hungry but only liquids could slide down. Until a while later..
Family literally thought I was dying. Called my siblings & requested them to all start praying urgently, perhaps they would need to come over as well.
The worst of all attacks since life with numerous threatening complications.
The most hazardous zone encountered.
< 2 HOURS + LATER >
Utterly exhausted to think what had occurred, I drifted off into a deep sleep.
My face hadn’t yet regained feelings of sensation, it was still partially numb.
As 2 Drs had already explained in 2018;
Inadequate blood flow to the brain = poor brain circulation.
When the heart realizes it cannot keep up its workload, attention is diverted & centralized towards the vital organs. Viz: Brain, heart, lungs, liver & kidneys.
When it has weakened to the extent of being unable to meet the demands of whisper speaking, a bit not too much or even a few sentences in tow, blood flow to these organs abruptly halts! Thus causing me to fall unconscious.
Demanded pressure of exertion with simple actions, causes various major consequences, complications or death itself if an emergency is left untreated or not treated rapidly.
The next day I was shown a few videos of the manner in which my jugular vein bulged out & everything alongside, violently shook.
Your heart was jumping against your back
I thought you were “going”
It was no joke
Yeah I too thought those were the throes of death
And as much as I later made a joke out of it saying: my body had to add flavor & spice to the marinades being prepared for Eid, it was frightening.
A lung screening scan scheduled the next day clearly showed 78% affected, leaving me with 22% lung function…
The signs, images & proof are all there.
It is also now further understood why I struggled & had a lowwww count with the (PFT’S) Pulmonary Function Tests conducted in June 2018.
As cardiac output degenerates
Whisper speaking stage terminates.
My new style of communication
I don’t portray myself to be a person I’m not. I write no pretence. Some may question due to limited understanding but those who understand my nature, believe when I confess, at this point I have no sadness, no tears, no questions. I’ve fought all along to live & will continue to fight.
However, no matter what efforts are made, if a wish is not granted, it is for my own goodness.
It does NOT mean I am telling myself I don’t wish to get well.
We are often told:
“Your body believes what you tell it.”
Whilst there’s truth in this statement with certain predicaments. Who thinks thousands of chronically ill people across the world don’t wish to be normal again?
Let the taunts continue, it only adds extra good deeds to my scale which I need, indeed. Be more generous.
I often wonder;
We cling & fight to let go because we think there’s nothing better.
We hanker on calling it home
How have we become so enticed, abandoning the real home?
After our corpses will be no image of beauty, but dust & bones?
I look around & absurd as it may sound
My surroundings have become so foreign.
I am detached from the same things I once upon a time, termed mine.
Whilst every effort is directed towards healing my body, after all I’ve underwent & continue to undergo, an inclination of perishables have departed.
I move ahead towards that which my lord knows is best
If a miracle cure is in store, it will be sent forth
If not, there is a magnet pull towards the gift
That requires me to cross a bridge…
Normalcy is an alien concept.
The world has become unfamiliar.
All toooo fimilar, is the feeling of numbness overtaking – leading to unconsciousness, finally drowning below
I have never sobbed of being robbed because I am not.
How unjustifiable wouldn’t it be to term my faculties as robbed when I’m being replaced with permanent objects in return of those transient.
Whilst it is absolutely necessary to reclaim vital portions of our health back, to obtain treatment, to take medicine, to live, the end & out is not the sole aim.
Sometimes there is no “end” destined.
Therefore, attention has to be put into learning the morals of being in whatever situation.
Accompanying every fragmented knock
Are additional benefits that surely unlock
For me, each occurrence & diagnosis
Carries many a unique purpose
A process of perception was involved
But once realisation slowly dawned
There left absolutely no flaw
In the ordering of divine law.
When you feel there is no break
No door or remote place to escape
Flee towards your complete & pristine faith
Attain the gems you were unaware it contains.
To redecorate & radiate
Strayed segments of faith