(On an affiliated day)
To earn paradise, we have to pay
A currency in a different way
< 2018 >
I awoke surprisingly sensing a cloudier forecast than expected.
Ugh, no big deal. Only the –ordinary- chest issues..
Ordinary then evolved into an entirely new occurrence..
< 6:20 pm >
Mom & my sister were chatting on a whatsapp call 📳
Mom prefers loud speaker so I sit listening to the conversation & adding in my 5 cents worth of comments. Lol.
Now, my sister has her own bundle of health challenges & that particular day she wasn’t feeling too good..
So she tells mom: “I feel like I’m dying”
To which I chuckled & joked: “Then ask the actual one who’s dying”
And we laughed making a joke out of these ailments.
Sister then said: “What if a miracle cure comes before the death?”
As if on cue to the forever menacing word, the left side of my chest constricted further causing an inward wince.
I think I’ll go lay on the bed instead of sitting here in the kitchen & maybe it will settle, then I can move a little more afterwards.
These “anginas” behave wildly.
< 8:15 pm >
Breathing labours & the pain rises..
But I’m done with medicine for the day 🗯️🗯️🗯️
This is weird
Bro walks in & asks:
“Where are you going?”
Me: “toilet to get done earlier for the night”
Bro: “No but your breathing is not right, relax a bit…
A failed attempt of trying to win against my lungs, I compliantly plopped down onto the edge of the bed unable to stand longer..
A merciless attacker suddenly appeared, grimacing, he pulled out a saw-edged knife & thrust it – slashshshshshsh
Into the skin, thoracic wall, heart & lung. It slits the myocardial layers….
I could not budge..
As much as I focused on breathing, thinking the knife would be extracted soon –
Turned into 14 uninterrupted hours of pure anguish, I could not even turn an arm
And then became convinced, this was not an angina attack. If a coronary artery were to spasm completely & cut off blood supply for a shorter period than that duration, I would’ve been no more, prior to its termination.
Drops of labored perspiration rolled down my face & upper chest
Ironically, the lower portion of my body froze upwards until the knee
(Hands & feet remain cold, winter or summer, no difference)
I had no clue what type of an onslaught it was exactly
But 1 aspect was definite
It interlinked the end of my heart’s left ventricle & lung – forming a line around
Unlike angina that has a fimilar manner of constricting & opening in a biting manner mid-way through.
A new invaded intruder grasped the area unwilling to let go
I felt, smelt & heard until my senses were overtaken
(If someone has not experienced a heart attack (also known as myocardial infarction) they would not understand the depths of the term pain, when it involves your bodies 💙central power❤️
Over time I developed a casual attitude towards emergency angina attacks, although my type is classified as Atypical, it’s become so habitual, & does not freak me out in the least bit!
So when I am in excruciating pain & it is noticeably different…
That is a signal for urgent attention 🆘
< Amid the mayhem >
Family members panicked. Of course, they hadn’t seen me in an agonized state as this before..
If in a flare, they either see me silent or keeping myself distracted in some way, but not clasping onto the duvet cover in anguish
Unable to let anyone move me
Comfortably.. Uh-oh? That word had flew up to space for a break.
To the rescue:
⚕️ Cayenne Pepper with lemon in hot water
⚕️ An extra dosage of cardiac medication that is only permitted during circumstances as these, not on a daily basis..
Not an iota of pain reduced.
“What should we do with her they all stare at 1 another with bewildered, confused & questioning looks?”
Suggestions.. Try this Dr or that dr..
Both community Dr’s were unavailable – away on holiday.
(Unfortunately they weren’t destined to arrive as a miracle in order to save my life from trouble.
LOL, that’s a teaser for 2 fellow bloggers)
“Which hospital can we rush her to?”
“This is such a perplexing dilemma”
< 1 am >
Parents & family rang my 2 other siblings to come over
“She doesn’t look good”
I heard perturbed voices in the distance
“Well, I feel as good as a corpse can be right now, my mind frankly doodled”
The hours laggingly trawled
Weird or laughable as it may sound, I attempted a soothing conversation with my heart
I asked my heart to tell me why was it in such major distress & what could I do to help relieve its struggle
I reassured my heart it would be fine, alike every other time
I reminded my heart it had a 100% success rate of surviving all past odds shot from multiple directions
I beseeched my lord forgiveness, perchance this be my fate, a rather pitiful one
But I also coached my heart that it was not allowed to slacken its determination, for, there are lots of undone work & important awareness campaigns awaiting
I spoke all sorts of lingo jumbled with pleas
For this saw-edged knife to be removed & my chest mended
For someone to lug me out of this abyss & explain what was this grueling episode??? An explanation of clarification for the confusion was the most I could’ve sought & recieved.
For a little sleep
For someone to violently shake me awake & say:
Heyyy it’s just a nightmare
However, right then, there in the very moment, my worst nightmare was already unfolding….
The event of a lengthy emergency episode with no medical facility as a back-up to go
Hanging on the edge of that thread I once mentioned previously
I recalled the variables in the color & thickness of the full blood my lungs expelled early morning – without a cough (hemoptysis)
I recalled feeling dizzer than my normal
I recalled feeling extremely queasy & abnormally sweaty
I recalled dismissing it to gastroparesis & general dysautonomia symptoms
I recalled thinking if I sleep, I will feel much better
Not knowing I would awake to a horror
Now I knew, those were subtle indications
(mom who sat rooted next to the bed with a petrified face, later said she figured it out earlier & the joke returned to haunt her)
Silently damning the medical personnel who made me develop a habit of ignoring important matters
As dire as the situation was, I knew there was no Dr who could attend to me during these choppy moments, neither a hospital who would be able to differentiate the vocabulary of autonomic dysfunction from other conditions
I would rather suffer pain at home than dealing with torments of yet another load of biased & illiterate Dr’s
There was not much of an option in the matter anyway..
And as this freshly sharpened saw-edge persisted at causing me varied types of boundless suffering whilst everyone sat around imploring for assistance
Immobilized in an abyss of utter helplessness
I also recalled the couplets an Arab poet dedicated in honor to his ailing grandma:
و دواك قد ملأ السرير
Your medication filled the bed
و انه لا مال فيه و لا اساور من ذهب
Surely there was no wealth nor pillows of gold in it
هذا السرير يكون امي شاهدا
Oh my mother this bed will be a testimonial
يوم القيامة بالشهادة ينتصب
On the day of judgment it will stand up
شهد البلاء سنينه و عذابه
It witnessed years of suffering
شهد التصبر لا اعتراض و لا غضب
(and likewise) it will bear a testimonial of patience
Not one of resentment or anger (directed towards the illness)
-Remainder of the poem in chapter 9-
I also recalled my own lost words:
Pain will never be in vain
Ample rewards are yet to obtain
When the knife was finally extricated
It departed, leaving me exhausted & drained with an elevated level of dyspnea & dizziness
It departed unknown & without being caught for investigation
It departed momentarily, only to restrike again the next morning for another 10 hours
And then it wholly departed casting me the day after, into the hands of a savager……
In late solidarity with world heart day, here is a ~Writing Of Wonder~
Heart is a unique word:
If you remove it’s last letter,
It spawns a new verb “Hear”.
If you take off its first & last letter,
The noun “Ear” will crop up.
If you pull out its first 2 letters,
The noun “Art” starts to pop up.
And if you leave out its last 3 letters,
The pronoun “He” comes on the surface.
So the word “Heart” teaches us that He who has an “Ear” should learn how to “Hear” his loved ones, because it is just an “Art” to “Hear” them by “Heart” 💝
** On a lighter note:
In terms of medical aid, I guess only the Almighty loves me because none but He lends a helping “Ear” to Hear all my bodys complications.. Reigning this kingdom with sheer wisdom, He has turned my Heart into a masterpiece of turbulent Art
As a friend dedicated this image 💝