97 ~ The price I had to pay ~

(On an affiliated day)

To earn paradise, we have to pay

A currency in a different way

< 2018 >


I awoke surprisingly sensing a cloudier forecast than expected.

Ugh, no big deal. Only the –ordinary- chest issues..

Ordinary then evolved into an entirely new occurrence..

< 6:20 pm >

Mom & my sister were chatting on a whatsapp call ๐Ÿ“ณ

Mom prefers loud speaker so I sit listening to the conversation & adding in my 5 cents worth of comments. Lol.

Now, my sister has her own bundle of health challenges & that particular day she wasn’t feeling too good..

So she tells mom: “I feel like I’m dying”

To which I chuckled & joked: “Then ask the actual one who’s dying”

And we laughed making a joke out of these ailments.

Sister then said: “What if a miracle cure comes before the death?”

As if on cue to the forever menacing word, the left side of my chest constricted further causing an inward wince.

I think I’ll go lay on the bed instead of sitting here in the kitchen & maybe it will settle, then I can move a little more afterwards.

These “anginas” behave wildly.

< 8:15 pm >

Breathing labours & the pain rises..

But I’m done with medicine for the day ๐Ÿ—ฏ๏ธ๐Ÿ—ฏ๏ธ๐Ÿ—ฏ๏ธ

This is weird

Bro walks in & asks:

“Where are you going?”

Me: “toilet to get done earlier for the night”

Bro: “No but your breathing is not right, relax a bit…

A failed attempt of trying to win against my lungs, I compliantly plopped down onto the edge of the bed unable to stand longer..

A merciless attacker suddenly appeared, grimacing, he pulled out a saw-edged knife & thrust it – slashshshshshsh

Into the skin, thoracic wall, heart & lung. It slits the myocardial layers….


I could not budge..

As much as I focused on breathing, thinking the knife would be extracted soon –

Turned into 14 uninterrupted hours of pure anguish, I could not even turn an arm

And then became convinced, this was not an angina attack. If a coronary artery were to spasm completely & cut off blood supply for a shorter period than that duration, I would’ve been no more, prior to its termination.

Drops of labored perspiration rolled down my face & upper chest

Ironically, the lower portion of my body froze upwards until the knee

(Hands & feet remain cold, winter or summer, no difference)

I had no clue what type of an onslaught it was exactly

But 1 aspect was definite

It interlinked the end of my heart’s left ventricle & lung – forming a line around

Unlike angina that has a fimilar manner of constricting & opening in a biting manner mid-way through.

A new invaded intruder grasped the area unwilling to let go


I felt, smelt & heard until my senses were overtaken

(If someone has not experienced a heart attack (also known as myocardial infarction) they would not understand the depths of the term pain, when it involves your bodies ๐Ÿ’™central powerโค๏ธ

Over time I developed a casual attitude towards emergency angina attacks, although my type is classified as Atypical, it’s become so habitual, & does not freak me out in the least bit!

So when I am in excruciating pain & it is noticeably different…

That is a signal for urgent attention ๐Ÿ†˜

< Amid the mayhem >

Family members panicked. Of course, they hadn’t seen me in an agonized state as this before..

If in a flare, they either see me silent or keeping myself distracted in some way, but not clasping onto the duvet cover in anguish

Unable to let anyone move me

Comfortably.. Uh-oh? That word had flew up to space for a break.

To the rescue:

โš•๏ธ Nitroglycerin

โš•๏ธ Cayenne Pepper with lemon in hot water

โš•๏ธ An extra dosage of cardiac medication that is only permitted during circumstances as these, not on a daily basis..


Not an iota of pain reduced.

“What should we do with her they all stare at 1 another with bewildered, confused & questioning looks?”

Suggestions.. Try this Dr or that dr..

Both community Dr’s were unavailable – away on holiday.

(Unfortunately they weren’t destined to arrive as a miracle in order to save my life from trouble.

LOL, that’s a teaser for 2 fellow bloggers)

“Which hospital can we rush her to?”

“This is such a perplexing dilemma”

< 1 am >

Parents & family rang my 2 other siblings to come over

“She doesn’t look good

I heard perturbed voices in the distance

“Well, I feel as good as a corpse can be right now, my mind frankly doodled”

The hours laggingly trawled

Weird or laughable as it may sound, I attempted a soothing conversation with my heart

I asked my heart to tell me why was it in such major distress & what could I do to help relieve its struggle

I reassured my heart it would be fine, alike every other time

I reminded my heart it had a 100% success rate of surviving all past odds shot from multiple directions

I beseeched my lord forgiveness, perchance this be my fate, a rather pitiful one

But I also coached my heart that it was not allowed to slacken its determination, for, there are lots of undone work & important awareness campaigns awaiting

I spoke all sorts of lingo jumbled with pleas

For this saw-edged knife to be removed & my chest mended

For someone to lug me out of this abyss & explain what was this grueling episode??? An explanation of clarification for the confusion was the most I could’ve sought & recieved.

For a little sleep

For someone to violently shake me awake & say:

Heyyy it’s just a nightmare

However, right then, there in the very moment, my worst nightmare was already unfolding….

The event of a lengthy emergency episode with no medical facility as a back-up to go

Hanging on the edge of that thread I once mentioned previously

I recalled the variables in the color & thickness of the full blood my lungs expelled early morning – without a cough (hemoptysis)

I recalled feeling dizzer than my normal

I recalled feeling extremely queasy & abnormally sweaty

I recalled dismissing it to gastroparesis & general dysautonomia symptoms

I recalled thinking if I sleep, I will feel much better

Not knowing I would awake to a horror

Now I knew, those were subtle indications

(mom who sat rooted next to the bed with a petrified face, later said she figured it out earlier & the joke returned to haunt her)

Silently damning the medical personnel who made me develop a habit of ignoring important matters

As dire as the situation was, I knew there was no Dr who could attend to me during these choppy moments, neither a hospital who would be able to differentiate the vocabulary of autonomic dysfunction from other conditions

I would rather suffer pain at home than dealing with torments of yet another load of biased & illiterate Dr’s

There was not much of an option in the matter anyway..

And as this freshly sharpened saw-edge persisted at causing me varied types of boundless suffering whilst everyone sat around imploring for assistance

Immobilized in an abyss of utter helplessness

I also recalled the couplets an Arab poet dedicated in honor to his ailing grandma:

ูˆ ุฏูˆุงูƒ ู‚ุฏ ู…ู„ุฃ ุงู„ุณุฑูŠุฑ

Your medication filled the bed

ูˆ ุงู†ู‡ ู„ุง ู…ุงู„ ููŠู‡ ูˆ ู„ุง ุงุณุงูˆุฑ ู…ู† ุฐู‡ุจ

Surely there was no wealth nor pillows of gold in it

ู‡ุฐุง ุงู„ุณุฑูŠุฑ ูŠูƒูˆู† ุงู…ูŠ ุดุงู‡ุฏุง

Oh my mother this bed will be a testimonial

ูŠูˆู… ุงู„ู‚ูŠุงู…ุฉ ุจุงู„ุดู‡ุงุฏุฉ ูŠู†ุชุตุจ

On the day of judgment it will stand up

ุดู‡ุฏ ุงู„ุจู„ุงุก ุณู†ูŠู†ู‡ ูˆ ุนุฐุงุจู‡

It witnessed years of suffering

ุดู‡ุฏ ุงู„ุชุตุจุฑ ู„ุง ุงุนุชุฑุงุถ ูˆ ู„ุง ุบุถุจ

(and likewise) it will bear a testimonial of patience

Not one of resentment or anger (directed towards the illness)

-Remainder of the poem in chapter 9-

I also recalled my own lost words:

Pain will never be in vain

Ample rewards are yet to obtain

When the knife was finally extricated

It departed, leaving me exhausted & drained with an elevated level of dyspnea & dizziness

It departed unknown & without being caught for investigation

It departed momentarily, only to restrike again the next morning for another 10 hours

And then it wholly departed casting me the day after, into the hands of a savager……

In late solidarity with world heart day, here is a ~Writing Of Wonder~

Heart is a unique word:

If you remove it’s last letter,

It spawns a new verb “Hear”.

If you take off its first & last letter,

The noun “Ear” will crop up.

If you pull out its first 2 letters,

The noun “Art” starts to pop up.

And if you leave out its last 3 letters,

The pronoun “He” comes on the surface.

So the word “Heart” teaches us that He who has an “Ear” should learn how to “Hear” his loved ones, because it is just an “Art” to “Hear” them by “Heart” ๐Ÿ’

** On a lighter note:

In terms of medical aid, I guess only the Almighty loves me because none but He lends a helpingEar” to Hear all my bodys complications.. Reigning this kingdom with sheer wisdom, He has turned my Heart into a masterpiece of turbulent Art

As a friend dedicated this image ๐Ÿ’

13 thoughts on “97 ~ The price I had to pay ~

  1. The whole post pulled strings but the first and the last part๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿ’ฏ

    On the day when tongues won’t be able to speak without the permission of the Almighty and limbs will speak that’s the day everything around you will testify your level of Sabr
    May every tide of yours gain you a level in Jannah.. Aameen Thummah Aameen

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Aaaaaameeeeeen.
      I luvvvvv the phrasing of this comment ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’–

      So beautiful subhanallah, the testification & each tide ๐ŸŒŠ reserving a level in jannah ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘Œ
      Never thought of that!

      Chronic Aameens to these duaas.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “If your path is more difficult, it is because your calling is higher.” Please remember me in your duas. SubhanAllah I can’t imagine how close you must be to Allah. ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Aaah I luvvv this beneficial reminder!!!
      It’ll definitely help me deal with my trouble better ๐Ÿ‘…

      Noo ๐Ÿ™ˆ only your wonderful opinion. May I become truly as such. Aameen.
      Jazakillah khair ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿงก๐Ÿ’œ
      Appreciation illustrated in the hearts

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Shewh you are so loved by ุงู„ู„ู‡ ุชุนุงู„ู‰. . I can only imagine the sabr you must be having during these episodes. . Your reward definitely lies in the Hereafter . . You are 1 tough soldier to be given such a tough battle to fight, but it has been given to you cos ุงู„ู„ู‡ ุชุนุงู„ู‰ knew you were strong enough to handle it. . I wish you ease, comfort & shifa. . Take care Kay. . Our duaas are with you.๐Ÿค—โค

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Jazakillah Khair for ALL the encouragement & kind words, it brought wider smiles & means so much to me. More than you will ever know ๐Ÿ’Ÿ

      May the Almighty alone repay your time spent reading & support expressed –
      From his most infinite treasures & bless you also with the best of both worlds. Aaaameeen


      Liked by 1 person

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