149 ~ Four years in the fight ~

[18/04/2019]

11:10 PM

And see….you’ve “arrived alive”

Came the message from a dear sister 💖💙

At that particular point, I had no words. Hence, no long post. A time for silence & reflection. Taking into account how far I’ve come, as I entered my fourth year of

Swimming Through The Waves.

Three years ago! Who would’ve thought into which end of the deep waters destiny would toss me…

From sometimes going to sleep and not wanting to awaken and see another day after being subjected to rejection..

From the countless times of disappointment & frustration..

From being an outspoken, confident person, to having my entire self esteem crushed & constantly apologizing for things that didn’t require an apology, and an illness I didn’t bring upon myself..

From not wanting to trust anyone and being reluctant who I share my story with..

From moments of thinking how much more of this…

Today I look back in retrospection with sheer gratefulness, because all the above contributed towards my growth.

“Each season

For a reason”

Including the moments I despised everything happening and questioned my existence…

---

When the tides upsurged. People were sent, who’s love helps me to swim with delight!

Patience is never wasted!

Double ease is promised after difficulty

And ease also descends amidst an ongoing difficulty.

[04/01/2017]

A medical professional in one of our support groups saw me asking a lot of questions with regards to Dysautonomia and thought to reach out.

At first, I was reluctant due to the past experiences related in the beginning…

Why would someone be so keen to assist?

What if the person had ulterior motives?

What if they wanted to get information to defame me?

In the end my confidence in humanity was restored when I was reassured there are no ulterior motives. This empathetic professional sincerely reached out to help a totally lost and confused 20 year old, who had absolutely no sense of her direction.

A selfless gesture that transformed everything!

To have someone advise.

To have someone explain.

To have someone “understand”.

To have someone at my side without asking.

To have someone listen without judgment.

To have someone validate my feelings.

To have someone with whom I could consult and recieve a proper medical opinion.

To have someone patiently answer an endless list of questions due to a complex case.

To have someone do it out of their own good-will, refusing any form of retribution.

To have someone literally save me from being rushed to a hospital due to Respiratory Failure. At the tap of a message, while being abroad, across an ocean!

I marvel with astonishment at this fact ✨

A golden heart, who on sensing my shakiness to speak out during the initial stages, gently encouraged:

Baby steps 👣

A concise sentence consisting of only two “simple”, but magnanimous words!

Two words that flashed in front as a reminder when the world had drained my energy.

“Two words that helped me learn to walk, run, jump, and eventually fly.”

Fall, get up again, crash, rebuild.. The cycle rotates.

This is how I moved ahead. There is no other way!

Observe and feel the manifestation of His love

Showering down and engulfing us from above

Moving onwards, in gradual stages, priceless people arrived in consequence to my deteriorating condition..

As I became more restricted in terms of exertion..

Gentle rainfalls of mercy descended. Barren soil was tilled..

“One by one, a rose sprouted in the orchard of my life” 👇

Confined as I am – missing out activities and “normal socialization”.. But ultimately being at peace with my lords decree & focusing on what the present has to offer…

I no longer feel excluded or missing out on anything 🤷‍♀️

I cannot live similar to a typical 22 year old, and that’s absolutely fine. Don’t let society dictate where you “should be” at which stage in life.

A wise old Dr mentioned to me after hearing the quote below 👇

“Man proposes.

God disposes”

His timing is always perfect

And his plans have no defect

They’re beyond man’s intellect

If I can’t perform one activity or career, I can do something else suitable and enjoyable.

Our existence is beneficial to mankind in different ways. My designation is unlike the ordinary. It’s unusual. However, all things rare contain significant value. So I do not believe this life is worth any less a celebration.

I haven’t traveled far out as we’d planned prior to the onset of this journey… But perhaps I’ve gained a deeper outlook than with travel in the literal sense!

Not to exclude the fact that metaphorically I haven’t stopped “traveling” with a tiny social circle of upliftment.

I’m able to enjoy this choppy ride

Despite the unforeseeable tide

So today I take the opportunity to thank everyone!

People who didn’t and don’t believe my illness.

People who spread rumors.

People who hated without knowing me due to the rumors..

Your negative impact

Became a vital asset!

And a beneficiary to my entire life. Without it, I would not be where I am today!

To all the people who send questions, feedback and interact on a constructive level.

Thank you for the input. Feedback boosts and broadens the empowerment level.

To the revered medical professional who played a foremost, pivotal role when there wasn’t anyone else..

Your presence is deeply engraved

And your trail cannot be erased

To the people who’ve assisted me in whichever way; while you’re still alive! I want to say:

Thank you / Shukran / جزاك الله خيرا احسن الجزاء في الدارين

In a world where many are numb to the pain of others..

“It’s good to care” 👇