157 ~ Shattered dreams – Part 4 ~

5th June 2019

I arose earlier for an eid, very different compared to the usual.

This time there wasn’t an overflow of excitement. Instead, a visible cloud of sadness hung over, reflecting the loss of our family members. For myself additionally, the ambiguity from the preceding nights events lingered on, dampening the day as my mind fought against the perplexity..

It was beyond my comprehension how typical tell-tale signs directly denoted certain conditions such as Pulmonary Edema, yet such a brilliant chest specialist failed to perceive it.

Although he mentioned an important point:

If one machine / test does not show something, it does not mean nothing of concern is present.. There could still be something we’re unable to identify due to our shortcomings.

However, my mind questioned:

By mentioning specific symptoms, it supposed to ring bells in a professionals mind prior to investigating / confirming diagnosis via a machine that we suspect “such and such”… Hasn’t man been given independent intellect?! Why is there such a grueling process “to prove” what you’re undergoing is legit?

Perhaps, only by completing and passing the test of Swimming Through These Waves, you will later be awarded paradise to enjoy forever after…

Perhaps, you have been flung here in, to never stop searching and thereby obtain exactly what can only be of essential benefit to you via this way..

Perhaps, while drowning in the depths of darkness, you’re bound to cross upon a light that flickers at a point somewhere along.. Meant to be useful.

Ultimately, we may not have all the answers we desperately seek or desire right now, but one day, whether in this world or the next, it’ll all make sense. You will be shown why it had to be like it is.

The uncertainty looms above, but you’ll be thankful and glad you chose to keep going forward, in spite of the overwhelming weariness that shackles your soul from time to time



That is my only, sometimes difficult job.

Sleep then overtook me during the latter part of the morning, and while floating in a dreamless space..

The call came unexpectedly from Dr Andrews rooms to say that because we were unsure if Wednesday or Thursday would be eid, Dr Yusufs rooms kept Thursday free. When we were done with Dr Andrew that night, eid was already confirmed.

So he spoke to Dr Yusuf and they managed to schedule me for the next day at 12:30. Otherwise I would’ve had to wait until July 😩😣

Taken aback at the short notice but also relieved from being spared a long antagonizing wait.. I gathered my things in order for the next day.

On went the mask of seeming normal & cheerful, while none would guess, inside my gut wrecked itself with nervousness of the unknown…

6th June 2019

My life depends on prayer

As we drive enroute, I pray

As we turn into the car park, I pray

As we enter the hospital and I enter the Dr’s rooms, I pray harder and was greeted by a pleasant receptionist.

After the forms were filled, I was promptly taken in.A 10 – 15 minute prolonged blood pressure test was performed & then I waited in the echocardiogram room.

After a while Dr himself walks in & I try my best to conceal the astonishment of resemblance between him and another Dr close to our family.

Once Dr spoke and genuine concern displayed on his face, the turmoil in my mind dissipated and the apprehension that resurfaces each time you have to meet with a new Dr, flew out of the window. As much as you cling onto hope, those devilish voices don’t quit in finding a way to drive you a little insane with doubts of “what ifs”

Calmly & patiently he begins some chit chat about myself then mentions he read through the entire history etc… He asked to see the various types of blood because I captured some on camera.

While beginning the examination, as form of distraction he asks about the henna heart rhythm pattern I went to apply the day prior to eid 🤣🤣

“What’s this?”

with a chuckle of amusement

He also inquired if anyone conducted a Holter Monitor Study, to which I replied in the negative. It was necessary to do so, but no one did!

Then he performed a doppler echocardiogram (heart scan / ultrasound)


I was not told the results.

Thereafter, the receptionist took me to another room to conduct a Cardiac Stress Test – this test basically records your hearts activity while under pressure of exertion.

But when I stood up from the resting ecg to step onto the treadmill, my pulse rate increased to 140 due to the postural change and standing up too fast.

(Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome will be discussed at a later stage God willing)

So the technician asked Dr if it’s ok to continue because my pulse rate is already so high. Dr said it’s fine, but don’t do a high speed. Start slowly and then monitor for any danger or emergency signs.

You are put on for a certain time limit. But if you experience chest pain or dizziness etc before it ends, you gotta tell the technician.. She guides you as she monitors.

We commenced from a slow to moderate speed. The technician was understanding & very cautious. She continously checked if was okay and then only increased the pace. The last 2 minutes were sort of a jog or little run. I cannot recall the entire duration in total.

I stared in fascination as the recording patterns flew with an accelerating speed in all directions. Up, down, high, low, here, there and all over the allocated screen space. My heart went berserk. Not one small portion displayed a normal rhthym. It pounded and drummed… All types of instruments. Had I been able to take a video, you would’ve seen the facts!After completing the cardiac stress test, I waited for Doc to call me in & provide the final verdict…

Would he refute the clear-cut evidence of these abnormalities due to my age? Or realise that my broken tape recorder like repetition of symptoms, are in actual fact, a matter of seriousness..

A heart to consider other people’s hearts?

One thought on “157 ~ Shattered dreams – Part 4 ~

  1. Your whole story is soo heartbreaking… Yet, I love seeing your spirit and determination to beat the odds shine through…

    The henna heartbeat part made me smile… Because that’s exactly what henna I put last Eid! The same time this post was written, lol.. Coincidence?


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