195 ~ Go with the tempo ~

I found myself looking back at the 4 past years in retrospect & wondered.. How tragic, dull, & different wouldn’t life have been if I waited for a certain event to be happy…

If I waited to be happy only when good health is restored

If I waited to be happy only when finding a knowledgeable doctor

If I waited to be happy only by getting a partner

If I waited to be happy only when I’m deemed stable enough to travel by flight

If I waited to be happy only when I reach such & such milestones…

How much time, mental energy, & opportunities would’ve been wasted if I waited for a “certain something” to be happy..

When I switched on the phone several months after my illnesses kicked in, I came across a few quotations but the following one resonated:

“It was said to happiness, where do you reside?

It replied: In the hearts of those who are pleased with the decree of their creator”

And I thought to myself, this is it. A deeply rooted conviction & trust in His doing, that even the psychologist who belongs to the same faith like myself, could not understand & was simply stunned into silence.

“You supposed to be quite depressed considering your state of health”

But this quotation right here, is the reason I haven’t sunk into it forever.

People often approach me with various sorts of questions and out of sheer curiosity someone once inquired:

“Don’t you feel caged or stifled by your illnesses, in the sense that you’ve got to be with your parents, you can’t get married & ‘move on’?”

On instinct I shot her an incredulous look!

I understand your point of view, but wow! Are you honestly serious?!

Is getting married the only definition of moving forward in life?! As if to somehow implicate, these illnesses are sort of a curse or doomed fate that have set me back. God forbid, never!

Yes! Indisputably, marriage completes the remaining half of our faith. It is an institution to protect & keep oneself chaste. All ordainments are in precise order with complete wisdom.

But, marriage or anything else for that matter, will happen if or whenever it is destined to be. Why should I fret & mourn away my time, over a matter beyond any man’s control?

While I am not complacent, & work towards the most attainable level of healing, it’s important not to become so consumed by one future goal that you forget to enjoy everything else life has to offer, before reaching the goal.

I don’t see why I should be shackled by society’s so called definition of “success” or moving forward?

Society can dictate a person should be married by this stage now, have kids at a later stage. Society can set living parimeters in whichever fashion they wish. Ultimately, only the determiner of affairs, controls where we should be & where we all are.

So I learnt to free myself of any “should be now, or should be later”. I am content in the place he wants to be, because there is no better decision than the one made by Al-Khawliq – The creator of my circumstances.

Over a passage of time I’ve already understood why many events were meant to occur. Some remain vague, but one day all wisdom and benefit will be revealed. So I’d rather channel my time into attaining maximum advantage from the space allotted for me.

It’s actually the way you train your mind & choose to observe a situation. Which side will you grasp onto? Instead of wailing in self pity and mourning that I can’t be fully independent and as others say – live solely by yourself…”

I’m extremely grateful that I’ve been bestowed these extra years in my parents company. Perhaps sometime down the line, I won’t be faced with any type of regrets.

Also, I’m still living to the best point I possibly can, despite having an entire systematic disorder. Possibilities haven’t been shut down or terminated. In fact, I’ve probably learnt to live life at its peak, now, more than I did at any previous time.

I “celebrate” most days when the sun dawns and my heart beats. It’s a mere cause for joy. I never leave anything to wear for a later occasion because the actual occasion is being alive.

I find my joy by being present in the moment & in the seemingly simplest things of day to day life. Many examples can be cited, but they’ve already been mentioned in the series of Magical Revivals.

Profound words by Claire Wineland

I may be having the limitations & challenges of chonic illnesses at the age of twenty three

But Im still living the best version of myself, pursuing dreams and being “free”

The best way to find joy and freedom is to let go of comparison. Comparison is the biggest thief. It will steal your peace of mind. It will destroy your joy & confine you to a pit of misery.

Moreso, for people with chronic illness, comparing yourself to able bodied people or other ill people who are not severely limited as you are, can be one of the most destructive torments.

No one has life easy.

No one has everything going.

No one has it all.

We’re budding and blooming in our own individual, respective ways that is necessary for us because we’re assigned different journeys. Different bodies. Different temperaments. Different habits and natures.

So don’t compare where she is or where he is, because you don’t know what kind of an unseen battle each person fights behind the portayal of good scenes.

Focus on where you are & the reason you’ve been placed there. Find the purpose in your plight and let time take its course in molding you to the best version of yourself.

To me, it makes no difference who does what in their life. If she got her driver’s lisence, well & good. If she attained a certain career, I’ll applaud her. Then continue focusing on my ambitions, because this journey through illness is not any less worthier of merit, purpose, & value. It hasn’t set me back in the least bit. In fact, you become advanced because your outlook at life is enhanced. In addition to that, numerous losses have been upgraded & compensated.

So let’s not constrain & make our joy dependant on certain people, places, or materialistic things. Don’t base your self worth on the validation of others, lest your entire life will be spent feeling empty.

Sometimes when people approach me regarding self issues, I advise them to go for counseling or self empowerment workshops where they learn to become confident & comfortable by being themselves. In their own skin and bodies. Where they can be taught they shouldn’t restrict their happiness by waiting on someone to fill their inner void.

Detaching oneself from co-dependancy is so important and not discussed enough (but that’s a subject matter for another time lol)

So this might sound cheesy or insane, but sometimes its good to look in the mirror for a few minutes & ask yourself;

Who is the person looking back at you?

Do you know her?

How well do you know her?

Does she have an identity & stamp mark?

Or has it gotten lost somewhere along the way?

Does it need to be reclaimed?

What are her strengths, what are her weaknesses?

Does she realise that in whichever area she has been placed, that is where her growth and gift to humanity is located..

Is she dwelling in the absence of a matter destined for a future time and missing out on the “present” of now?

Where you’re are now is where you’re meant to be & bloom. You’re perfectly on time. Don’t rush the process because you’re not delayed. Im not slow, neither are you. Im not backwards, neither are you. Your life is a journey reserved for none but you to traverse.

Everyone has certain choices & preferences to which they’re fully entitled. However, try not to make yourself feel inferior if you don’t fit in their range of choice. If people downplay your worth or the general roles of the ill in society, it’s their loss. You don’t need anyones validation when your creator himself has approved your virtue by saying:

“You will find me by the ill”

People degrade us due to their personal lack of insight.

If you haven’t yet reached a particular stage in life, you’re not viewed as a failure or slow

Each part arrives with different meaning attached, all we have to do is go with the tempo, and flow

I don’t pin joy onto something that is absent

And in this manner I revel in contentment

It will most likely happen that one day when you finally reach the stage for which you awaited so long.. You might look back and think… Alas! If only I appreciated those times because it contained ample beauty.

I often remind myself not to become obsessed as to how the future will turn out and just take in everything that currently is. Believing that whatever we await will be ushered to us at its perfect time.

During the waiting & as we whizz through the phases of life, don’t forget to breathe, and inhale the freshness of earth…

If the sky has stormed down upon you far too long, know that one day it will certainly shower gentle forms of mercies & beautiful blessings…