233 ~ Five years far – 2/2 ~

Single & silence

In the context of being unwedded.

Not in reference to someone who’s divorced or widowed.

Keeping in mind; our personal temperaments, upbringing, environmental and social factors play a role in determining the want for companionship. So each to their own. But the option is also ours. We can detest or choose to utilize these combined gifts into a once in a life time opportunity.

Not to refute particular times where the silence of being rare and lonesome is deafening.

In 2018 after one shaky syncope episode, a Dr gently reminded me saying: “During those moments, all of mankind has been sent away so your heart gravitates towards your creator and the 2 of you may bond.”

There are times where a person might seek companionship. Rightfully so. None of those feelings are invalidated.

But there are also types of silence where you’re able to tune in with yourself. When the hustle of life’s motions draw to a stillness, one is able to refuel within. Seek the answers to your questions in silence.

Whenever an overview of these 5 years are done, a noteworthy observation comes to the fore:

Many abilities and things were taken away from me, but at the same time, a lot more was also given to me.

(Originally written in chapter 164 titled: Broken and built)

This passage can be cited and analyzed from several angles. Whether you are recently diagnosed and still coming to terms with the sudden turnover. Whether you’ve succeeded the stage of acceptance but experienced other dreams being crushed along the way.
Overall, for our present situation or future being nothing like we might have expected or envisioned it to be, due to whatever reason – know – if certain abilities or dreams are broken, we will receive replacements in preference to what was taken.

If people with illness and moreso rare illnesses are supported rightfully, it doesn’t become a circumstance of only loss. Gain is included and that plays a role in making the acceptance of fate easier – after having undergone the initial stages of shock, denial, confusion etc. Gain cannot happen without the empowerment lended by family members, friends, professionals, medications, and treatments.

The amount of gain also depends on the level of support given versus the amount required. If one element is missing – a suitable professional is not found, a medication cannot be obtained, or if you’re supporting yourself and cannot have your disability / social grant authorized because your illness is unrecognized, then trying to become partially self-sufficient ends up being counter-productive.

Tragically, during this pandemic, besides financial income denied for the larger percentage of households, many or all access to treatments have temporarily been canceled. None of them are ‘luxuries’. They are necessities our people depend on in order to live not even a half functional life, let alone full. This instance shows a person’s scope for gain being inhibited.

Like I often say – an understanding team or crew is required to assist us in the adaption of this entirely new lifestyle. Adaption does not occur overnight. Each one of the aforementioned keypoints are instrumental in reinforcing one to live beyond the parameters of an illness. Navigating is far from easy but worth all the rewards promised.

The larger part of gain and renewal of abilities only arose approximately 21 months later after my first symptoms began. Demanded by a lengthy period of time, hope, and patience. The type of patience that sometimes made me want to scream and run.


Some days you will want to break loose from the battle and run

But there’s no place to escape and seek refuge except in the one

So flee unto him and later witness special mercies descend

From avenues we do not have the capacity to comprehend

Remember the tale of Ayyub (Peace be upon him) when suffering swallowed him into its midst

In desperation he called unto one above and an angel was sent forth with directions to assist

Ayyub was granted relief and praised for a striking feature: “Verily! We found him patient”

One admirable accolade followed by another: “What excellence of a servant

سبحان الله

Finding our way through the unpredictable nature of chronic illness requires unyielding effort

But how beautiful are prophetic narratives, whereby hearts are strengthened and derive comfort

It’s a continous learning process of trial and error. Which options should I adopt? What decisions should I make? What is the best route to take? Where to from here? What next after this? I’m lost. I’m stuck. I’m fatigued. I’m overwhelmed. I’m finding my way.

Please be patient and allow us grace. Had an outsider been directly in our situation, they themselves will not always have a clue. Let’s not be quick to condemn or criticize. Gentleness and compassion. Trust your relative / friend is doing the best they can.

One “I believe in you / I trust you” can make them soar to great heights

Firstly, humans are not infallible. We are bound to err. Secondly, having a chronic illness means crossing through uncharted territory. Even after praying for guidance and seeking advice from relevant people in the field, the odds or final outcome might not always work out in our favor. But that doesn’t make us censurable, nor does it mean we opted for the wrong route.

What’s done cannot be undone. Instead, we learn from the mishaps. You tried your best and the creator ordained as he deemed best. One failure or mistake doesn’t define your worth so don’t beat yourself up for stumbling from time to time. We are learning on a continous basis and there’s no particular right way.

If not illness, people are tested in other ways – livelihoods, kids, and spouses. Each person carries their own wounds from wars we know not and the strain from every battle is not visible. Try to overlook faults and focus on making the good outshine.

Appearances do not reflect the internal state. How many a people we meet who’s laden hearts are fragile

But no suspected sign is displayed. Instead, we see their lips upcurved into a wide discreet smile

Words are powerfully aimed for good with precision but used often as an invisible, destructive weapon. While the ammunition shot may be considered light, on a repetitive basis, don’t we witness the magnitude of wounds inflicted by words that generate and fuel wars.

Know the worth of your very being. Know the worth of your time. Know the worth of your energy. Know the worth of your overall life. Know the power held in the tap of your finger on that screen to type words or the breath used to utter them.


Life is fragile


I was diagnosed at the age of 19 and in a few days I turn twenty four

Only the giver of life knows how many more years lay ahead in store

Time will take its course either on the current pattern, progression, remission, or a miraculous cure

Plain reality being; all three remain indefinite prospects no specialist or treatment can secure

Life is fragile

You never fully grasp the foretold terminology of “premature death”

Until encountered first-hand and prayers begin for a longer supply of breath

Affliction may befall to quell the insatiable crave for worthless pursuit

Felicity then shifts to seemingly little things and all else becomes minute

Life is fragile

My soul carries an inseparable risky desire to soar the skies until it descends upon blessed lands

Be that as it may – let the current of air caress my skin, let my bare feet touch the golden arabian sands

Oh guest of Ramadhaan, convey this long awaited desire to one who blows life into dreams

Appeal for her heart to reach his home; the center of overflowing light with elated screams

Life is fragile

Until the endmost, continue for one who makes it worth all our while


Links to the previous anniversary chapters


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