241 ~ Selected battles ~

Recently, my thoughts wandered to the similarity of the above three verses and I felt few points are good to share here for moral purposes even though it’s on a more personal note not normally shared as I am picky about the content I put out on social platforms in spite of my accounts being private, and content only shared with consent.

Nonetheless, since seeing a few queries came in I decided to go ahead so people can realise; we don’t have to comment on everything others do or the decisions they make because they have their grounds or the Almighty may just be molding their life as he deems best, thus making them opt accordingly.

Versus each of the respective battles we fight on a daily basis, sometimes our strength exceeds the intensity of the struggle, whereas other times we crumble below the weight of it. Either way, as challenging as it may be, we always have the strength to carry the load.

Regardless of how taxing it is, regardless of how fatigued we become, regardless of how we pull through, whether our strength roars or dwindles into a silent weak whisper of “I don’t know how but somehow I’ll carry on”. When the pain becomes unbearable we still bear it! Our souls have the ability to continue forward in spite of whatever transpired in the past and irrespective of what lays ahead.

Now in the Asian community its common for proposals to begin at a young age lol. Although everyone’s background and preferances differ, before you can complete or sometimes immediately after completing one’s studies, the lines start buzzing with marriage prospects.

So alike most of us, this was the case with me too from a very young age, particularly because of my height. (Now I’ve shrunk with Gastroparesis) but at the age of 13, people thought me to be much older – around 19 / 20. So this peaked their curiosity and interest.

However, even at the time of reaching 18 / 19 I wasn’t interested in considering any. I had different interests I wanted to carve out of life and also felt the ones who asked were not suitable for me. This does not mean they were bad in any way whatsoever. It simply means my instinct felt our personalities would not click. So I declined and turned away many knowing it best for both sides.

Obviously there was no pressure to accept because the whole option was mine. Being the “strong-minded” or resolute person I am, no one’s opinion about how good the guy is could make me change my mind.

People commented on the lines of “she’s so fussy / what high expectations does she have? / Do you think you’ll get Mr perfect?” etc etc

I didn’t even have any kind of expectations or a specific list of priorities people usually search for in a partner, because marriage hadn’t topped my list. I know I’m not perfect, none of us are free from blemishes so why would I want a Mr Perfect. But people assumed their own things without knowing the reality as is the norm 😂

Lol these assumptions never bothered me because as long my heart was happy knowing it’s doing the right thing even though to others outwardly, my decisions didn’t make sense. Well, it didn’t need to make sense for everyone because my journey is for me to traverse and so I had to opt for what was best for me, not what others thought should be.

Somehow, it just felt like the time or “something” wasn’t right. I needed to wait. I had my own personal views and wanted to broaden the fields of self-growth before stepping into a permanent relationship in order to manage marriage with more tact.

Then it so happened when I became ill not long before my twentieth birthday, everyone came to realise how these guiding intuitions worked out fully in my favor. Peoples mouths were hushed and they realised those feelings were not lame excuses. They realised my decline to their request was not because I considered myself as higher in rank or having more superiority, it was pure guidance from above.

To save me from a situation I’d most likely not have the ability to cope with – severity and progressive rate of my illness as it begun while also having to keep up with the demands of a new marriage. Our creator knows us better than we know ourselves, he knew me better than I know myself so destiny manifested likewise.

So while my vision of self-growth growth may have turned out entirely different to the scenario I previously envisioned, it’s everything he knew I needed and what’s good for me – akin to the quotation I wrote recently in chapter

https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2020/05/10/232-the-fourth-anniversary-part-1/ – on the attribute of العليم

My parents also believed; the Almighty truly saved me by way of intuition. Had another family been involved, they might not have had the strength to go through this rapid life-changing process with me like my own. Ultimately, my creator did not place a load on me heavier than I can bear, nor did he load another family with more than they’d be able to bear by means of my condition.

From other narratives I’ve witnessed how people with illnesses are made to feel a burden and I also addressed it in the chapter titled: “One of a kind design” – https://kayborninmay.wordpress.com/2019/04/26/150-one-of-a-kind-design/

Gentle reminder: You are not a burden. You exist for a reason. Rather, you have been given a burden to carry which needs extra hands and shoulders. If people see or treat you as anything to the contrary, the fault and blasphemy lies within themselves. Their centered outlook. Their behavior towards you reflects their tarnished character, not your special worth.

Looking at the aforementioned verses and considering my own situation, I cannot help but marvel over the way my battle of a rare illness was hand-picked. A creator who knows me better than I know myself, knew I’d be put in a situation where I require assistance to take care of my needs. Hence, he did not burden my soul more than it can bear by locating me in a place where I’d have to take care of a family / extra people’s needs as well. My body would never have coped well enough in that kind of a scenario.

Alhamdulillah in this case, I can manage to push through by myself come what may. If I’m incapacitated by crippling pain or any part of these illnesses, I do not have additional worries about whether there’s still a whole family to take care of, whether they have food to eat, whether the kids homework is outstanding, whether they need to be attended to etc. I can be stuck in bed as symptoms demand until they lessen enough for me to be mobile again.

Glory be to the being whos compassion we find tangled in every situation.

Being told I have strong-minded nature (with a negative implication) also worked out in my favor. If I wasn’t a person of will, I would’ve definitely succumbed to breaking forever beneath the pressure of circumstances. So this type of innate personality was instilled in me for a reason.

While previously frowned upon, it later made sense why I never easily backed down from achieving or choosing something. I needed a determined drive to tackle my own life challenges. All these points fell into place when things seemingly fell out of place at the onset of Swimming Through The Waves…

So these are my difficulties but simultaneously, my blessings. Another person’s blessing or trial might be in terms of having a family. Whichever way, he never burdens us more than we can bear. Your battle is exclusive to your growth, reward, and Jannah. Aameen.

In view of the above, it’s also the reason why the name of one beginning chapter is titled: “Destiny by divine mercy”

Difficulties came and challenges are ongoing, but I realised they also came combined with mercy and care once the finer aspects were observed.

Observe the way our individual struggles are selected with care

Indeed

Allah does not place upon a soul a load a load heavier than it can bear

While I may have begged for the pain to end countless times, Alhamdulillah we push on stronger than before.

ام حسبتم ان تدخلوا الجنة و لما يأتكم مثل الذين خلوا من قبلكم

مستهم البأساء و الضراء و زلزلوا حتى يقول الرسول و الذين آمنوا معه متى نصر الله

الا ان نصر الله قريب

Do you think that you will enter Paradise, while there has not yet come upon you the like of that which befell those who passed away before you?

Distress and afflictions befell them, and they were made to suffer the violent tremors, so that the Messenger and those who believed along with him spoke out, `When (will come) the help of Allâh?’

(Then they were told), `Behold! surely, the help of Allâh is always nearby.’

Those who have partners that try their best to learn about their condition and support them are blessed.

Those who’s partners don’t, my sincerest duaas are with you for strength, ease, and compassion.

And those of us moving along the single lane, hush anyone who tries to make you doubt your worth or shame your path. This is a limitless journey of self discovery! It takes time to rebuild self-acceptance and confidence, but once that point is reached, you are then able to embrace the opportunities presented to you even if they’re on a minor scale and totally different from what was expected or envisioned.

Perhaps your destiny was meant to be entirely different the usual.. Perhaps you are set to seek out extraordinary opportunities you never even once imagined.. Perhaps its all you ever needed but didn’t know.. Perhaps you will stumble across the most beautiful and gratifying things..

Alhamdulillah I certainly have!