Subconscious thoughts of discussions involving infirmary beds, fluorescent lights and aseptic odors intrude the dreams of a restless three hour sleep and my leaden eyelids slowly open to fajr adhaan resounding via the masjid reciever.
As soon as fajr concludes; Dad being the senior guardian calls Dr Tawriq to affirm my decision. Contrary to any expectation of him being upset or displaying an annoyed reaction, Dr is not offended by the change of plan. He sounds rather cool and easygoing, simply stating it is no problem to cancel the arrangements and he will be most willing to operate whenever we decide on another facility.
I update Prof by forwarding the same message addressed to Dr Tawriq and a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders.
I let out a sigh of relief and slump into a chair staring into nothing with a blank expression too fagged for a smile. Dad observes the empty look and says to the nieces:
I never saw your khala and fooi this level of stressed in months.
Later that day after resting for a while and awakening more refreshed to an atmosphere now free from the tight clutch of worry, my viewpoint shifts towards the slow unveiling of light.
Perhaps Allah commanded the waves to submerge me underwater in a spot where I was trapped and tangled between different intricacies while the plea for guidance only intensified a perturbed feeling for one main reason – if I hadn’t been thrown and pushed into that dark difficult place, I might have not resisted the arrangement and swam along in the surgeons direction with likelihood of the final result being detrimental.
This decision went against doctors rationale and I may not know the full reason surrounding my intuitive voice which was certainly not paranoia, but I trust the outcome irrespective of what people say or who is offended and which Dr is disappointed.
Oh my creator I trust you and I am slowly beginning to perceive your plan
Even when outward logic goes beyond the comprehension of other man
If the doctors were to ‘wipe their hands off me’ and I’d become displaced without treatment like it was told or predicted by people during the period of hesitance, my heart knows that guiding voice should have not been tuned out and truth be told; I cannot be a peoples pleaser because at the end of it all, this is my body and I am the one who will deal with the consequences forever. Not anyone who said my trepidation is unwarranted or stems down to a lack of tawakkul.
I witnessed the exactitude of Allah’s glorious words innumerable times so while awaiting help to arrive in the form of an appropriate arrangement, my conviction is in the promise of one who’s words never falter or fail:
و لينصرن الله من ينصره
And Allah will most certainly assist those who help (his course)
If a guardian is sacrificing four months of self comfort and family time in the path of Allah at the age of 70, do you think Allah will ignore the good efforts of both sides and turn away the requests of someone who is serving the course of his Deen?!
Remember the account of Haajar and Ibrahim عليهما السلام when he turned around and walked away. She hurried after him asking:
“Where are you going Ibrahim, are you leaving us in this barren valley?”
Ibrahim عليه السلام did not answer her and continued walking. She repeated what she had said but he remained silent. Finally she understood that he was not acting on his own initiative and it is by Allah’s command so she asked:
“Did Allah command you to do so?”
When he replied: “Yes.”
She uttered four powerful words which is recorded in the books of history for us to derive strength and solace
اذا لا يضيعنا الله
In that case Allah will never destroy us or allow us to perish
Similarly, when a person serves Allah’s Deen, their loved ones will never perish
For whichever way is ordained, all sacrifices being made will surely flourish
Indeed what is destined to come will be better for me than what has gone by
Every now and again we witness this timeless promise so who then can deny
Oh Allah my hope in you remains big and unshakable
I am certain you will once again send down a pure miracle…