297 ~ Relief after grief ~

19/08/2021

Three days pass by and I go about my everyday routine feeling happier, lighter and very much relieved that I blocked out all opposing opinions and did not rush into surgery. None of the postoperative infusions were set in order so how would the port have worked out favorably?! No sense leaping into operation when the aftercare plans are not confirmed.

My local doctor (Aarif) has an upcoming exam so obviously I do not want to interrupt his preparation and think it best to wait until the exam is over and he has a free space to talk through everything. I am uncertain about his views regarding the surgery and I also do not want to impose the aftercare on him and Sister Janet if perchance it might be difficult or pose as taxing on their busy schedules.

Again; the lack of closure from Salmaans strange disappearance and my countless experiences of dismissal from doctors kick in unwillingly. I wonder if they’d find it burdensome and turn away from the request of staying on my team or if they’d be happy and able to assist in this regard..

However, I also do not doubt his complaisant nature, human conscience, religious ethics, reliability and other salient features which stand out in all follow-up communications.

A fellow ambassador backs up my thoughts making me feel less crazy

“ I’ve had the same physician since I was 18. But for 18 years before that I went through such traumatic gaslighting that even now I get anxious and defensive and feel the need to prove myself even though from my first visit she always believed me. Past abuse leaves invisible scars and unfortunately they’re the hardest to get rid of 🤷🏻‍♀️ ”

Dad is still out in jamaat at a nearby masjid so he requests to meet Dr Aarif and provide a summary of events as related in the previous chapters. After listening and agreeing with the change of decision, Dr Aarif later responds:

I am glad you thought carefully and decided against the procedure considering the post op conditions. It is highly advisable that everything be in order before going in to theatre. This will perhaps give you enough time to find a suitable facility to have the procedure done, our state facilities do lack in certain departments, and you should avoid the risk to minimize complications.

My heart constricts in disbelief and tears of joy trickle down onto the screen as I stare in utter surprise; after the adversary I had faced is there really a doctor who affirms my rationale aside from close family and friends?

I run to mums room screeching and rejoicing with indescribable boundless joy.

Ummmiiiiii listen!!! Dr Aarif agreeeeeeeeeeeeeees!!! I can’t believe!!! I’m so glad I held my word with a trembling yet determined voice and stood affixed by my hearts intuition.

Relief after grief and untold appreciation for his validation because even after holding a firm stance on the final decision I faced comments such as – no you contemplated too deep into unnecessary matters, read your duaas and make tawakkul (as if I wasn’t 🙄😆😂) when all I tried to do was expound on the situation realistically and logically, keeping in mind six months of personal experience at Charlotte Maxeke.

Speaking from across the fence is easy to do when someone has not lived the trauma my sister and I have experienced at Charlotte Maxeke because of the rarity associated to my condition and that of my nephew. Only those who may have witnessed it closely can grasp our viewpoint.

If someone has never dealt with multiple life-threatening infections, labored breathing, medical mistreatment and consecutive gaslighting, their opinion is baseless. Therapy is vital to reinvigorate our will to live and go on with life but like Aaliya mentioned above; some scars are the hardest to rid off and flashbacks occur when facing another similar challenge.

And so I wrote a little note to myself on that muddled Sunday:

Khadeeja:

Hold on tight with your bleeding heart and battered hands

One day you will appreciate the full wisdom behind his plans

Juz’ 4 , Surah Nisaa

فعسى ان تكرهوا شيئا و يجعل الله فيه خيرا كثيرا

Perhaps it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has placed abundant goodness therein

Moving ahead; I still have to do the port at some point in time as access sites are restricted. We’re currently rotating between two veins on the left arm every week and there is no guarantee or time frame of how long these two will hold up before they’re blown from overuse like the ones in the fold of my arms.

The fortnight schedule was recently altered to a weekly basis considering the frequent cycles of peripheral circulatory collapse also termed as peripheral vascular failure when the last episode on August 31st progressed close to a cardiac collapse.

(This account of paramedics rushing over at 11:50 PM is saved under the infusion highlight (4) on Instagram)

Our only dilemma that now remains are limited options. While we can request to have it done at the hospital where Dr Aarif is situated because the facilities are protocol orientated and well-suited to me, without medical aid coverage the cost factor may be a bit of a hindrance.

I only mention this aspect in response to everyone who has been wondering and asking what’s the latest happenings with your port, are you making any headway? Instead of repeating the same reply here’s a standard answer to save typing energy and breath 😜😂😂

I am simply letting events flow as they’re destined to be and swimming along the direction of Allah’s perfect timing.

I raise my hands in prayer to Allah alone without looking at any one source or person

Firmly believing – hidden in the delay of his plan is complete goodness and reason

I trust Allah who is my sole benefactor to let it all work out at the end for the very best

And until that time arrives I sieze the “little pleasures” of everyday with zest…

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